The Seal Suit

As the September heat of Hawaii dictates, it was necessary for us to spend our Labor Day cooling off our sweaty bodies. But you have to know, the pool is not always an option. It depends entirely on the day of the week and the number of bodies in the pool. Holiday weekends are a toss up. You see, it’s a delicate ratio between the number of bodies to gallons of water. The more kids in the pool, the higher chance of swimming in boogers and pee and sweat. And we all know, I don’t handle it well. My obsessive compulsive brain overloads with calculating possibilities, my bulging eyes scan the water wildly for any hint of floating objects that might touch me, and I start to feel the grit and grime of the little creatures crawling all over my skin. Tears well up. Gagging ensues.

I managed to get in the pool today (because I’m hot and pregnant, which tends to win over OCD), despite the ratio being a little above average. And as I stood there waist deep, waiting for Brandon to jump in, I happened to catch a glimpse of disgust on Brandon’s face. He discovered a bubbling yellow film around the edge of the pool.

“Don’t look over there, Carrie.” But it was too late. That was enough for me to gag a little and head straight for the stairs. Because if Brandon is grossed out, I should be about ready to pass out.

But it was still hot.

So we decided to go to the beach instead. The beach is never my first choice because I don’t like getting sand in my shorts and I don’t like not being able to see what’s in the water with me. Sure, there’s sweat and pee and garbage and poop and floaty things in the water too, but it’s supposed to be there. My brain lowers her expectations.

Unlike the pool, I like when there’s a lot of people at the beach. You see, there’s a delicate ratio for the ocean, too. The more bodies in the water, the more likely I won’t be the one to get picked off by a shark. I always keep a few people further out than I am in the water, just to make sure I’m not the easiest target. It’s just logic. And I’m happy to report that I’ve never seen the beach as busy as it was on this Labor Day. People everywhere. Parking was terrible. Sharks were satisfied.

As we drove along the east-shore beaches, I started pummeling Brandon with my usual pre-beach questions.

“Are sharks out here during certain seasons?”

“Well, I think Great Whites are here in the winters. But reef sharks are here all year.”

“Do they come to these beaches?”

“Not really. There’s no reef, so there’s nothing to eat.”

“Except humans.”

“Right.”

“Really? Do they really? Because I’m a prime target. I’m an oreo with a tasty baby stuffing.”

And that’s when I noticed that my brand new maternity bathing suit really did make me look like an oreo. It’s an all black one-piece. So really, I’m like an inside out oreo with my snowy white swedish legs and arms and rounded black belly. And that’s when Brandon glanced at me out of the corner of his eye and said, “You kinda look like a seal…”

I gasped. Silky, tight black swimming suits on fat pregnant woman look just like the rubbery bellies of tasty seals.

“I DO look like a seal! OH GREAT! This is it, isn’t it?!”

But believe it or not, I still got in the water. Heat is a powerful motivator. But don’t you worry. I got close to some boogie boarders who managed to look a little more seal-ish than me. The main problem with the water today was the plethora of seaweed. Because if you’re not paying attention, seaweed feels a whole lot like some evil, slimy sea creature trying to drag you out into the open ocean. And you never get used to it, much to your husband’s delight.

Every time a wave would build, seaweed would brush past my leg just enough to make me jump and flail out of the water. And if you’ve never seen an entirely pregnant woman dressed in a seal suit trying to get all of her limbs out of the water at once, you’re really missing something special. Because it’s not just about the flailing limbs. It’s the inability to control the creepiness from mirroring itself in your face. It’s the total lack of gracefulness in the waves. It’s the squeals and groans that come out of your mouth unexpectedly.

“Uh huh huh huh.”

“Eeeargh.”

“Bluuuh.”

It was a constant barrage of sounds and movements and shutters. The worst was when the strings of my suit would come undone and wrap themselves around my arms. Panic ensues. Then realization. Then an instant feeling of “I’m stupid.” Too many unseen contenders, not enough sanity.

After some healthy time in the water, my pregnant body started to get tired of all the work it was doing to keep from being eaten. I started to feel weary, so I told Brandon I wanted to head back. He wanted to catch one last wave, so we stood there waiting for the next set.

And there it was—a sharp, nettling pain on the flabby side of my upper arm. Tingling. Stinging. I lost the battle in the eleventh hour.

“Bran, SOMETHING is getting me!”

Brandon whipped around and looked where I was pointing at my arm. A quick scan of the water told him the perpetrator.

“GO. Get out of the water.”

And the sternness with which Brandon directed me sent my mind into a panic. It must be serious. What is it? Jelly fish? Is it big? Is it on me? Is there more than one? Am I swimming through a herd? Is it the bad kind? Am I going to pass out? What if I touch it again? What if it poisons my baby? But I quickly followed directions and headed for the beach with Brandon not far behind.

“Did you actually see it?’

“Yea, it was a Portuguese Man-O-War. Bright blue. He was floating really close to your arm.”

“Did he get you too?”

“Yea, I can feel it under my arm.”

And after an onslaught of questions about whether or not we were going to die, we made it up to the showers to rinse off any stray stingers.

“It was probably good I wore my seal suit, huh? I probably would have been stung on my belly if it wasn’t protected by the one piece.”

“You’re probably right.”

And we took that as our sign that the water activities for the day should be over. But we did manage to stop by the gas station to get a little ice cream. Because everybody who gets attacked by unseen water creatures should get a reward for bravery.