Matronly Glow

“Do you feel insecure whenever you walk on campus?” I asked my co-worker a couple of years ago. “Or is it just me?”

I just came back from running an errand on the university campus, and I was feeling self-conscious. Those super petite, super skinny, super fashionable girls made me feel frumpy and lumpy again. It used to happen every time. I’d start thinking about my overly washed shirt or my hair that needs styling or the possible bulge over my belt. I’d envy their smallness. Wish I could fit in their clothes. Wonder how they look so good all the time.

But do you know how she responded?

“No, I don’t even think about it. Things are different now that I’m a mom. It just doesn’t matter anymore.”

I didn’t give what she said a second thought until a couple weeks ago. I had to get my parking pass from the student center, and it just happened to be during lunch—the busiest time on campus. Students were bustling around. Leggings. High-heeled boots. Swooping tops. Flashy bangles. Skinny jeans. Highlights.

I was surrounded by twenty-somethings in all their glory.

But on the way back, it hit me. I don’t feel self-conscious.

It was startling. And freeing. That natural tendency to compare myself to every passerby was missing. I walked to my errand. I did my errand. I returned from my errand. I didn’t think about my clothes or my walk or my size. It was simply a non-issue. I had better things to think about (like the fact that I was walking by myself without a baby hanging in my arms for the first time in 5 months.)

Somewhere in those past 5 months, I realized that there are more important things to think about. Instead of banking my self-worth in the way I look, I’ve found empowerment by the sheer weight of the things that I do. Day in and day out I find myself accomplishing so much with the strengths God gave me. My priorities are entirely realigned, which means I’m learning to like myself a lot more. I find so much more satisfaction and affirmation through the way I apply myself.

I was recently told that I am now “radiating that matronly glow.” I like to think of it as confidence that comes from motherhood.

I grew a baby and squeezed her out myself. I can juggle home life and work life. I can make dinner for my husband. I have a relationship with my Father. I have willpower to eat healthy. I can even find time to write. I am doing so much, and there’s plenty of affirmation in that.

And if I’m being honest? I’m even starting to like the way I look. I have the marks of becoming a mother, and there is something really rewarding and beautiful about it.